17 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
(by DAVE BARRY)

1. Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve,
its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe
with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity,
He/She WILL NOT use, as His/Her messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way
to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always
one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take
command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you
a clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight savings time.

14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background,
is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are
above average drivers.

15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests
is to annoy people who are not in them.

16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter,
is not a nice person.

17. Your friends love you, anyway.